I Need You

Yesterday I had to go into the street in front of my house to find out why a woman was screaming. 

She was screaming that she was calling the cops. My girlfriend reached for her phone to do the same. I laughed that the cops could probably hear the screaming over the phone.

The screamer heard us through the window and began to scream at us, so we went outside. Just as I got outside a car that had been following the screamer pulled up. I told my girlfriend to get inside and prepared myself for what may come.

The pursuer was not what I expected. He was skinny, young and distraught. In tears he said,”She’s bi-polar, and she’s having an episode”.

“They’re trying to help!” he yelled at the screamer.

***

I checked my phone when I woke up this morning and noticed a Washington Post article that had been linked to me on Facebook. For a second I thought it might have been another Godfrey Elfwick (@GodfreyElfwick) hoax. What stood out to me, amongst the absolute, bat-shit craziness of the article was the hypnotic repetition:

“I wanted to find an equal. A man who wouldn’t feel the need to step in and rescue me. I didn’t need rescuing.”

“We’d both bring the things we have to offer and place them on the table. My ability to multitask and keep everyone’s schedules on track would sit next to his ability to fix cars, cook or read books in silly voices.”

“I have the means to fix our car. I, on my own, can support my family. I not only have the strength to keep it together mentally and emotionally but I also have the strength to carry my daughter home. I have the strength to carry all of us.”

This woman wonders why she cannot find a man, while at the same time insisting she doesn’t need one for anything other than fungible manual labour and to be some kind of clown, while she controls everything else. The man cannot want to save her, even from herself.

This reminded me of one of my favourite articles by the notorious Roosh V, who notes that most women forbid themselves to admit they need a man. Most forbid themselves to admit they even want a man. Modern man is replaceable:

“It’s hard to dispute the notion that a woman who believes she doesn’t need a man won’t make as good of a relationship partner as one who does. She will treat you as a distraction to her more important job, girls’ nights out, and social networking validation happy time. Men have become an utterly replaceable and expendable commodity in a girl’s life. Her interest in a man is not unlike her interest in a new television show or Apple product…Women don’t seek out comfort or stability in men anymore—they seek entertainment…We are not men in the traditional sense—we are clowns. “

Throughout history men and women have needed each other for survival. Man has evolved with the desire to be needed by women. It is his main biological imperative. Unfortunately for him, he has succeeded as provider and protector so well that he is no longer needed. Evolutionarily refined and reinforced behaviour has been deemed inappropriate. The systems of provision and protection that man has created has made him obsolete. He has worked to create networks to protect his family even in his death and this is his reward – his life replaced by a vibrator and IVF.

This article is full of the kind of male sensitivity that eventually gives way confused hostility.

Feminism requires that a woman never say she needs a man. Feminism requires women to withhold the one thing that men need more than anything – to be needed. Is the male need to be needed misogynistic?

***

It is a deeply cruel thing to forbid a woman to tell a man that she needs him. I told my girlfriend that I need her. I looked into her eyes and meant it, and she returned it. We embraced and I felt a rush, out of nowhere. The words manifest a psychosomatic response.

Denial of such reality, a denial of who and what we’ve always been and what we’ve always needed is a recipe for existential angst. To be open is to be vulnerable, but to withhold what others need does not allow either to thrive. The scarcity mindset of the animal who cannot be itself.

A parent who withholds attention and affection is guilty of child abuse. As physical violence towards children has become (rightly) demonised, emotional abuse and neglect has become more common, and as a result, withholding is likely to trigger a traumatic response even more than physical violence.

Is the need to be needed inherently misogynistic? It may be argued that this dynamic casts a woman as an inferior. In The Way of the Superior Man David Deida emphasises the complementary nature of masculine and feminine sexual energy and attraction that constitutes a recognition of biological differences as the basis for the negotiation necessary in the maintenance of a relationship. Understanding between genders (and races and religions, etc.) is based on mutual recognition and negotiation of objective difference, not denial of nature, denial of identity and denial of history: cultural Marxism. Without a grasp of reality, there can only be emotional, reactionary responses – temper tantrums.

***

This girl may have truly believed she wanted to call the police, but it is more likely she was enjoying the power the threat contained. When the police were called her objective reality changed, the situation created new emotions, and suddenly she didn’t want the police to come.

The screamer was aware enough, amidst her ‘episode’ to understand what a call to the police actually meant. She was aware of the rhetorical power of the threat in contrast to the reality. She was not out of control.

Prove yourself to me…

She needed her man to show her that he needed her – to follow her in the car, to protect her even when she told him to go and kill himself.

Prove yourself to me

I remember fights like that, when my girlfriend would storm out of the flat and into the ghetto where we lived. She knew I would follow, terrified for her safety but powerless to stop her.

Prove yourself to me

She was cogent enough that when she threw a CD at me, she made sure it was Guns ‘n’ Roses – Appetite for Destruction – one I didn’t care about and that was easily replaceable.

Prove yourself…

***

Obviously the ‘bi-polar’ aspect cannot be ignored, but mental health is a topic for another day. For the purposes of this blog, please let it suffice that I do not believe this condition is responsible for this behaviour. This girl was aware of her surroundings. She kicked a car, but only the tire. The kicked a fence, but only the strong post. She knew the difference between the threat of the police, and the arrival of the police. This is not an ‘episode’. This is a tantrum, most likely caused by alcohol, cigarettes, bad diet, bad sleeping habits and the stress of unstable home and work life – the lifestyle of the modern 20 year old.

As these factors change, behaviour changes. As lessons are learned, life improves. Your current state is not who you are. Never make a decision when you are depressed, or when you are too happy.

Excusing such behaviour as an ‘episode’ is callous towards those who suffer from chronic mental conditions, and it also stunts personal growth. Making excuses for such women is the real misogyny – the misogyny of lowered expectations.

South Park Season 20 Episode 02: Skank Hunt

Clip: I Can’t Fix You